I must admit that I do not know much about Gertrude Stein except for the bare minimum needed to answer a random trivia question. That, and what comes up on the Google. Lately, though, it seems that every time I need a witty quote, there she is, saying the words that are trapped in my brain, waiting to find the right neuropathways that allow them to connect into what exits as an eloquent descriptor of exactly what I wanted to say. While many Americans may have an erroneous view of all things Paris, I happen to like it. A lot. I've heard many myths about Paris since I've voiced my love for this city. One of my favorites is "I heard Paris stinks really bad." Really? As opposed to Hammond, IN? I've been stuck on the Chicago-Indiana Skyway far too often not to know what stinky is. Then there is "the French are rude!" Huh. And how many have insulted you lately? And "aren't you afraid to ride the train in Paris?" Why? Do Parisian trains cry "Boo" when you least expect it?
America is my country and Paris is my hometown.
Gertrude Stein
Luckily, I am an artist at heart and a scientist by training. While it is easy for me to romanticize, I still rely on my own observations to draw conclusions. I could go on all day about the art, the food, the gardens, and all the things that make me love Paris. Instead, though, I am going to offer some observations that hopefully, will help you, dear aspiring traveler, to dispel a few myths and come to the realization that the City of Light is no more scary, no more snobby, and no more stinky than any U. S. city. Enjoy. (These are in no particular order)
1. Some trains have names and they aren't all the same. One thing to know when spending time in Paris is how to use the Metro system. This includes the Paris central trains--subway--and those connecting the city with the suburbs, other cities, or airports--the RER system. To get to one of Paris' most famous destinations, the Palace of Versailles, one must take the RER-C towards Versailles-Rive Gauche. This is not to be confused with the RER-C Versailles-Chantiers, which goes close to Versailles, but not close enough to make it worth your while. Nor should you confuse it with the RER-C Pontoise, which starts at the same stations as the RER C- Versialle-RG, but then splits off and shoots up into the Northwest suburbs of Paris and totally opposite to where you need to be if you want to see how the 1% lived in France long before they were recognized by a single digit number and a symbol. How do you keep the RER trains straight? You don't. Just kidding. They have four letter names, like MARY, NORA and VICK. For the famed palace and gardens, you want to hop on VICK. If you happen to hop on NORA, just roll with it until you realize your mistake, which hopefully will be much sooner than reaching Pontoise, for you will have to hop off, go back to the city central and get on the correct train. Word to the wise--names are only on the front of the trains, so try to catch them head on.
2. Some trains are long. Some trains are short. Some stop here. And some stop way up there! Okay, so the platform might look like one long stretch of sameness. One station, one platform in each direction, right? WRONG! Pay attention, for if you don't, you will find yourself, along with 50 other tourists, making a mad dash to catch up to VICK, who does not like where you are standing, and merrily goes up to the next subplatform on your mirage of a single platform.
3. The French are not rude on purpose. Baby, they were just born that way. Actually, they are not rude. They are just very serious about what they are doing at any given time. Even if they are just walking down the street, they will appear to be concentrating very deeply on the act of walking down the street. That's fine. That is their "normal." The sooner you can accept that and just roll with it, the happier you will be on your Parisian vacation.
4. It's okay to not speak French. But, at the very least, learn "Je ne comprend pas." I like a challenge. And trying to speak French when you cannot speak the least bit of French is a challenge. You might be able to ask a question perfectly after practicing ten times. The difficulty rests in understanding the response. This often happens when asking "C'est combien" or "how much" does something cost. I can get the question out just fine, but am up a creek with a leaky canoe and no paddle as soon as the clerk recites the price. Huh? Curses! Now I have to fess up and admit that I do not understand what was just said. While the French will appreciate the effort on your part to speak the language, there may be some frustration to be had when you are outed as a pseudo-French-speaker. Pointing and nodding go a long way in selecting items at a market, as does just handing over the money and trusting that you will get the correct change back.
5. Smiling is allowed, but please use discretion. Following up on point number 3, it has been reported by my travel guru, Rick Steves, that smiling and saying "Hi" to any random person you pass on the street is a sign of senility, not cordiality. This was rather difficult for me to come to terms with. I tend to smile and say "Hi" to everyone I pass. Sometimes, I am simply in that good of a mood. Oftentimes, I am doing my own private sociological experiment and taking notes on how many people say "Hi" back, plotting the data in my head and determining if there is a correlation between hair color and the propensity to say "Hi" to strangers. Just kidding. I just like saying "Hi" to people. But, during this last trip to Paris, I strolled the streets, hands behind my back, looking thoughtfully down at the pavement ahead of me. It worked. I was approached by many tourists who thought I was a local, and was asked questions in broken French. Doing my part as a Patriot, I did the only thing I could to keep the stereotype of the rude Parisian alive and simply snorted, scoffed and went about my sullen way.
6. As public toilets have become more commonplace, toilet tissue is still a rare luxury. You may have heard the horror stories of having to pay 50 bucks to go to the toilet only to find a dark stall, with no door and a hole in the ground trying to pass itself off as a toilet. "Ewww!" you might say. Ewww, indeed, this might be to anyone who has not had to squat behind a tree in the woods in a moment of desperation. 'Tis not so (at least not so much) anymore. The toilet shortage has been ameliorated over the years (especially with the spread of McDonalds franchises abroad), but with the overpopulation of public toilets, comes a growing shortage of tissue. With no square to spare, it would behoove you to carry some extra tissues or napkins on your person.
7. Parisian wait staff do not have, nor do they wear, 50 touches of flair. It is customary in Paris to be allowed to enjoy your meal without constant interruption by wait staff asking you "how is everything?" This is okay. Enjoy your meal. Savor the flavor. Take your time and digest your food. You may discover just how enjoyable a good meal can be. It's okay. Really. Seriously.
8. Don't pass up the opportunity to buy a Paris Pass. This is the best deal you will ever find in a vacation package. For 60 bucks or less, depending on the number of days on your pass, you can see all the major sites--Versailles, Arc de Triomphe, Louvre, Ste. Chapelle, Musee d'Orsay, etc, etc, etc. Try doing that at Disney.
9. You will not miss your television, but check out the foreign channels anyway. The choice of TV stations and programs in Paris (or anywhere in Europe) is very limited. Will you miss it? No. Not if you are out doing what you should be doing--soaking up the culture and sightseeing. It is quite an educational experience to flip through the channels, though. On a recent trip, we discovered that Parisians must have an unhealthy obsession with lost 80s boy bands, blooper shows and CNN International reports on wild animals from Africa. But that is okay. If anything, it encourages you to get off your tuckas and go enjoy the city.
10. You will never want for art in Paris. And this does not include French Impressionism only. My Lord! Modern Art, anyone? Go spend a day at the Pompidou Center. Surrealism get you giddy? Visit the Salvador Dali museum in Montmartre. Want to know Monet up close and personal? Try the Musee de l'Orangerie. Want to take in all the Impressionists in one stop? Musee d'Orsay is your best bet. Don't know what your style is? Just go to the Louvre and get lost for the day. Any which way you choose, you will not be disappointed.
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